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A Twenty-Nothing’s Impression of the ’08 Presidential Elections : McCain

I suppose I should preface this post by saying that I’m not the kind of person you’d see trying to sway political opinions via bumper stickers and lawn stakes but I feel like it would be useful to state some facts and lace some opinion in there too.  Now my philosophy has always been the less you know about something, the less you speak, and the more you listen, but I think if I upheld this method of thought I’d be far quieter person.  The facts I will be analyzing come from  The opinions will be coming from me, a twenty year old over thinking, underachieving individual, who accredits life experience + interweb as being the primary pillars of my socialization.   Growing up as a “free agent” in regards to religion I do my best to form ideas and beliefs based on rationalization and logic rather than guidance from the divine.  I think the most effective way to present this information as the writer and for you the reader, is to break it up and do one post per candidate.  Startin it off with some McChicken.


John McCain (Republican)


Overturn Roe v. Wade, but keep incest & rape exceptions. (Jan 2000)

Wants Roe vs. Wade made irrelevant, but would not repeal it. (Aug 1999)

Voted NO on $100M to reduce teen pregnancy by education & contraceptives. (Mar 2005)

I fundamentally oppose McCain’s stance on abortion.  I think that teaching the virtues of safe sex and basic, even advanced sexual education is the best deterrent for reducing abortion rates.  Thanks to the glorious invention of the intarweb, kidlets everywhere are easily exposed to a seemingly infinite number of pornographic sites.  I’d say its the duty and responsibility of adults, whether that means parents, teachers, or … either of those to brief the kids on this stuff before they board the bangbus and steal coat hangers.



Voted NO on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)

Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)

I agree with McCain, aside from that guy from that model show I think gays should absolutely have the right to get hitched. I understand the religious objection to this stems from the biblical chapter entitled “Leviticus ” which prohibits “lying with mankind with womankind.”  My aim is not to argue the interpretation of sacred scripture so I’ll leave this alone and let you ponder this and its validity as an objection to practice that affects American gays of every religion.  

I disagree with not adding sexual orientation to the definition of hate crimes.  I challenge McCain to explain his reasoning for that vote to the parents of Matthew Shepherd.  

Sit down with any leader, but only with pre-conditions. (Sep 2008)

Throughout the debates McCain / Palin aggressively criticized Obama’s diplomatic policy and aside from accusing him of “palling around with terrorists” and pointing out the absurdity of meeting with leaders of sketch ass nations; i.e. Iran, Cuba, North Korea and some other one I forgot.  MY interpretation of these aforementioned “pre-conditions” is that McCain / Palin would send out  guys to do the talking for him, and these scout ants would be met by scout ants of the other country.  To me, this is the equivalent of playing telephone, far too much room for astronomical fuckups.  “Good afternoon it’s a pleasure meeting with you” could easily fuzz into “death to Israel!”  Can’t be havin dat shit.


Guns are a problem, but so are violent web sites & videos. (Aug 1999)

Voted NO on background checks at gun shows. (May 1999)

Voted YES on loosening license & background checks at gun shows. (May 1999)

Voted YES on maintaining current law: guns sold without trigger locks. (Jul 1998)

I have no doubts that the amount of grotesqueness of violence has exponentially increased since lil boy Johnny Mac was flippin channels on his tube but I refuse to believe that on their own, violent video games and websites are ingredients to a violent person.  Not being a gun owner, shooter, shopper I can’t say I know procedure / obstacles in purchasing a gun.  But as a concerned citizen and human bean blessed with sanity I’m gonna have to play the wtf card on this.  Guns don’t kill people, sketchy dudes who buy them at gun shows kill people. 


Close Guantanamo Bay prison; announce no-torture policy. (Apr 2007)

For it.

Bring our troops home with victory and with honor. (Oct 2008)

In the mean time :


This Game Shall Consume You

Come get some bitch

Click this shit

I dare you to beat my score.

Man Laws

macho manAs men, we abide by a unwritten, informal code. This code dictates ethics, morals, and actions. Amendments can always be made to this code in accordance with the times and social climate. In the neolithic era, it went against the man code to borrow a fellow man’s polished stone instruments without asking, and when borrowed, they were to be promptly returned following the archaic task. What I share with you now are the contemporary, practical applications of the Man Laws and how they can be used and followed today.

  1. Thou Shall Not avenge any wrongdoing of another by damaging his vehicle. i.e. Keying, denting, slashing etc.
  2. Thou Shall Obey the “shotgun” rule within reason. The exception to the rule : if said company stands 6’4″ or taller the front seat shall be reserved with appropriate legroom granted.
  3. Tickling is never permitted.
  4. Thou shall not speak “ouch” as an exclamation of pain.
  5. Whoever smelt it hath delt it.
  6. If thoust has committed to an act thou must carry it out unto completion. i.e. Designated drivers, and the act of urination.
  7. The duration of a handshake must never exceed the time it takes to say “anal penetration”
  8. He who does not kick down for given meal is to be granted ONE exception in which he can dine with his endowed brethren, however once used the tightwad is to be ostracized from the dining scenario.
  9. Gas money is never to be expected if the ride in question was offered.
  10. The level of manliness is to be gauged by the amount of hair on the ass.

18 rly? ya.

orlymobileWell first, second, and third of all, I’m 18 so expect a sharp revenue increase for porno, lotto tickets, and low quality hotel rooms! An ample reception was held at my grammas, complete with a coconut cake shaped like a shitting dog, a clown, and a birthday strangle from Pinky. Brosef and Hoesafe paid their respects to me by having me waken up, and lured into the front room, before me stood a 50″ Plasma TV screen. My first thought was females, but both the E, and the A have traveled outside the confines of Cali and are doin their own non-community college thing…Whatev. Anyway, before I could come up with thought #2, a god damn nurse and a god damn fairy popped outta that box like fuckin Jack. A happy birthday indeed.

San Mateo County Fair jus came through this great town, Pinky & I made it a point to sneak in every night and rob the community of the 18 dollars a night they would have gained on a nightly basis. Fuck street upkeep. Pretty much every night we went, I ended up totally forfeiting any financial gain I would have made by emptying my wallet on 8 dollar mutant turkey hunks and orange fuckin juliuss that still taste like liquid orgasm. Basically for the week and a half it was in town, the fair drew me in every night religiously, every night the contingency plan for entry and possible escape got more and more intricate and not once did we have run-ins with the local carney watchdogs. 6’4″ stealth ninjas FTW. The rides were comparable to feces but we still haggled our way on them despite our lack of tickets or frugality (look that one up), the gravatron for instance relocated my bowels up into my esophagus as shown here. There were goats. There was PISS, and it was enjoyed in the name of Hoesafe.


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