When the fair comes to town, I get fucking overjoyed.Â Nothin greases my gears quite like a giant $9.00 turkey leg, 1100 pound pigs named Wilber, and these fuckin’ feet jiggler things!Â I’m not even kidding.Â As tradition dictates, Pinky and I get extra covert for the first or second night of the fair’s week long run and do our best to sneak in because we’re partly wannabe ninjas and partly just cheap punkass tweeners and we dont wanna cough the $10 admission.Â And as per usual it was a grand success and shortly thereafter we were reapin in the meat and enjoying the scenery. Dashowedoit.
Between the everyday schooling, the Mon – Fri 7 hour days as Brady, Network Consultant extraordinaire, and my weekend title as Saver of Lives it’s a bitch to find time to cool out with the buddies, much less post about it. Seems like all the original gangstas are away at REAL colleges while me and Ian get our community college education at 8 bucks / credit. When I heard that Ally was home for the the weekend from SF State I pounced on her to hang out. Her reaction was less than enthusiastic, evident here, in this. When I wasn’t busy terrorizing pour Ally I could be found at 5story with Pinky practicing our Top Gun routine. RIGHTEOUS!
Jus last weekend I had the pleasure of coolin out at Umpy’s house, with the likes of Gannon, Josh, who reminds me of that dude from Half Baked who lives on the couch. It was a laid back night till Umpy caked a 25 year old attendee and relocated him to the kitchen floor shattering tasteful kitchenware in the process. I’d say that was the closet thing to an ol fashion cowboy saloon bar brawl I will ever see. After I sampled some full bodied Jamaican lager and successfully upgraded his router’s firmware I excused myself from the festivities and retreated to my car to begin the short drive home only to find my car enveloped in a new glossy finish. Not too many silkworms where I’m from so I figured I had been wrapped! Now I can think of far more useful applications for the wrap of seran but I guess Ian had other plans. With the help of Mr. Gannon I was able to get what seemed no less than 5 pounds worth of the wrappy substance from my car’s immaculate body. G’times.
Mario Soda – I’ve spent nights tossing and turning trying to remember this stuff. From what I can recollect, this was the nectar of the gods, the cream of the crop, the king of swing, the colossus of clout, the mac daddy of sugary carbonated beverages. You got Mario Punch (amazing), Luigi Berry, Yoshi Apple (breathtaking), & Princess Cherry (paint thinner). I would suck these down and lick the cans after when I was a wee lad livin in the early 90’s. I wanna know how many of you out there have had the pleasure of sippin chode sized novelty nintendo soda.
Salute Your Muthafuckin Shorts : Reminisce with me wont you? Back to when the summers were filled with Nickolodeon and Stick Stickly…Back when quality programming dominated the Nick Network, when mullet-rocking characters like Zeke stole the hearts of adoring preteen girls. And who could forget Donkey Lips, the lovable fat fuck with a speech impediment. I remember wishing to salute the shorts of a certain female cast member (pictured in the middle here) but I bet that lurky camp counselor probably beat me to it. What stuck out most in my mind was the dreaded Awful Waffle..the sticky tradition that entailed the victim sprawled out with his midriff exposed and than received a belly button full of maple syrup. Good stuff.
Well first, second, and third of all, I’m 18 so expect a sharp revenue increase for porno, lotto tickets, and low quality hotel rooms! An ample reception was held at my grammas, complete with a coconut cake shaped like a shitting dog, a clown, and a birthday strangle from Pinky. Brosef and Hoesafe paid their respects to me by having me waken up, and lured into the front room, before me stood a 50″ Plasma TV screen. My first thought was females, but both the E, and the A have traveled outside the confines of Cali and are doin their own non-community college thing…Whatev. Anyway, before I could come up with thought #2, a god damn nurse and a god damn fairy popped outta that box like fuckin Jack. A happy birthday indeed.
San Mateo County Fair jus came through this great town, Pinky & I made it a point to sneak in every night and rob the community of the 18 dollars a night they would have gained on a nightly basis. Fuck street upkeep. Pretty much every night we went, I ended up totally forfeiting any financial gain I would have made by emptying my wallet on 8 dollar mutant turkey hunks and orange fuckin juliuss that still taste like liquid orgasm. Basically for the week and a half it was in town, the fair drew me in every night religiously, every night the contingency plan for entry and possible escape got more and more intricate and not once did we have run-ins with the local carney watchdogs. 6’4″ stealth ninjas FTW. The rides were comparable to feces but we still haggled our way on them despite our lack of tickets or frugality (look that one up), the gravatron for instance relocated my bowels up into my esophagus as shown here. There were goats. There was PISS, and it was enjoyed in the name of Hoesafe.