In Accordance With The Dictates of Reason
Saint Patties Day ’07 was a bit of a bust, despite my best attempt of being green and mean the night will be remembered as the night I failed to celebrate my heritage coming home with unbruised knuckles and as many brain cells as I left with.
The same can’t be said for the evening at lovely Courtney‘s. The boys and I warmed up at Umpy’s house as a prelim. Brotha dawkness did what he does best, and faced the consequences dished out by the vengeful homeowner. Luckily his penis shielded most of the blow. We walked the streets in the cloak of night and into the pad of Courtney where everyone felt the need to pop shots elbow to elbow in the kitchen. I was quick to assemble with the fellas and strike a quick pose for the room full of adoring womens. Compare this pic with this one. Things started gettin nutty as the night progressed; Dawkness tried pinnin the tail on the Jenny and Dylan seized the role of the noise nazi.
Then there was Sasha’s, my favorite Russian chic. For this occasion I felt it necessary to come dressed with my favorite accessory, enjoy that corniness. she looks cute as a damn button there too. I fair well. So I spent the majority of that night bleeding profusely from the crater of the once proud pimple I tripled sliced with my fuckin Gillette Mach 3 turbo emo pain expression device razor. Half a roll of toilet paper later I was back in the game, beads of sweat clinging to each one of my ass hairs in the kitchen. It even looks sweaty in that picture. Sweaty Jimbo balanced shit on his head. Adam hosed puke off Sasha’s doorstep.
So I guess I never posted to the world about the aftermath of bambi colliding into my Celica, well it’s still in the family and I picked up a 1990 Toyota Supra, white, turbo, 5 speed, targa top, with about 105k miles. So I rock that pretty hard, its fast, its a tank and I love it.
Borat! “Is a NICE!”
I want to thank the Century 12 movie theater for letting me pay the ten bucks to see Borat : Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan or B.C.L.O.A.F.M.B.G.N.O.K as I like to call it for short. I had relatively high hopes for this flick given the abundance of manthongs, liphair, and incestuous behavior among foreigners seen in the trailer. Saying I was not let down would be an understatement. Borat succeeds at offending gays, jews, women, and of course his native Kazakhstani people. I don’t wanna ruin this epic piece of cinematic excellence for you but I must allude to the climactic moment in which two main characters duke it out in a skin on skin, lava-lamp like exchange of pushes and thrusts. This scene I speak of was what brought me to my enlightenment of funniness. Never before have I felt my inner organs on the verge of rupture on account of my violent laughter/convulsions. My only gripe with this instant classic is the hairy cock to breast ratio which I can approximate to roughly 6:0. Aside from obvious lack of T&A I will supply this movie with the seldom seen 4/4 tits rating:
And now for some memorable quotes from the movie:
“I am very strong physique and I can hold a very large woman down for 3 hours…I am strong, I can throw rock at a gypsy from 15 metres. 10 metre if I am chained up.”
“This my neighbor, Nursultan Tuleiakbay. He is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock-radio, he cannot afford. Great success.”
“My mother, she never love me. (Stifled chuckle) She say she wish she was raped by someone else.”
“In my country we say to let a woman drive a car is like to let a monkey fly a plane, very dangerous yes.”
Man Laws
As men, we abide by a unwritten, informal code. This code dictates ethics, morals, and actions. Amendments can always be made to this code in accordance with the times and social climate. In the neolithic era, it went against the man code to borrow a fellow man’s polished stone instruments without asking, and when borrowed, they were to be promptly returned following the archaic task. What I share with you now are the contemporary, practical applications of the Man Laws and how they can be used and followed today.
- Thou Shall Not avenge any wrongdoing of another by damaging his vehicle. i.e. Keying, denting, slashing etc.
- Thou Shall Obey the “shotgun” rule within reason. The exception to the rule : if said company stands 6’4″ or taller the front seat shall be reserved with appropriate legroom granted.
- Tickling is never permitted.
- Thou shall not speak “ouch” as an exclamation of pain.
- Whoever smelt it hath delt it.
- If thoust has committed to an act thou must carry it out unto completion. i.e. Designated drivers, and the act of urination.
- The duration of a handshake must never exceed the time it takes to say “anal penetration”
- He who does not kick down for given meal is to be granted ONE exception in which he can dine with his endowed brethren, however once used the tightwad is to be ostracized from the dining scenario.
- Gas money is never to be expected if the ride in question was offered.
- The level of manliness is to be gauged by the amount of hair on the ass.
Quick, Go Put On Your Leisure Suit!
Between the everyday schooling, the Mon – Fri 7 hour days as Brady, Network Consultant extraordinaire, and my weekend title as Saver of Lives it’s a bitch to find time to cool out with the buddies, much less post about it. Seems like all the original gangstas are away at REAL colleges while me and Ian get our community college education at 8 bucks / credit. When I heard that Ally was home for the the weekend from SF State I pounced on her to hang out. Her reaction was less than enthusiastic, evident here, in this. When I wasn’t busy terrorizing pour Ally I could be found at 5story with Pinky practicing our Top Gun routine. RIGHTEOUS!
Got a chance to chill with Nat Queen Cole as well, talkin, bullshittin, laughin, throwin shit offa 5story, swimming back up into her birth canal, jus hangin out.
Jus last weekend I had the pleasure of coolin out at Umpy’s house, with the likes of Gannon, Josh, who reminds me of that dude from Half Baked who lives on the couch. It was a laid back night till Umpy caked a 25 year old attendee and relocated him to the kitchen floor shattering tasteful kitchenware in the process. I’d say that was the closet thing to an ol fashion cowboy saloon bar brawl I will ever see. After I sampled some full bodied Jamaican lager and successfully upgraded his router’s firmware I excused myself from the festivities and retreated to my car to begin the short drive home only to find my car enveloped in a new glossy finish. Not too many silkworms where I’m from so I figured I had been wrapped! Now I can think of far more useful applications for the wrap of seran but I guess Ian had other plans. With the help of Mr. Gannon I was able to get what seemed no less than 5 pounds worth of the wrappy substance from my car’s immaculate body. G’times.
