I Voided Myself
It’s damn near dusk on a weeknight, nine hours of class and work powered through, Randy gives a call on the ‘ol mobile and proposes a nice little jog for ‘ol times sake. I happily oblige, and pick out the popular local trail. I can’t run on an empty stomach so I down a water bottle and a handful of beef jerky for good measure beforehand. I drive us over and we lace up and begin our lovely little prance down the initial straightaway, goin at a steady trot-waddle. As we see and pass each half mile marker the sky gets darker and darker and we get further and further from the bathroom at the start. The days worth of liquid consumption was starting to catch up to me and my piss gun was rather loaded… It was damn near black out, and aside from the possible presence of mountain lions, rattle snakes, and deranged serial killers lurking in the vast brush that surrounded us, Randy and I were pretty much alone. I paused from my vigorous running to drain my lizard right there on the side of the trail, allowing mother earth to reclaim my urine.. Now keep in mind I was wearing a somewhat long wife beater and gym shorts throughout this little run.. As I let my peck flop out and great the night sky, going into auto pilot and not using my hands (a skill I have perfected over the years), I let it flow.. What I did then was something senior citizens fear and toddlers take for granted, I did not hear the satisfying echo effect of my piss juice hitting the gravel, nor the dirt. No, what I felt was more of a warm damp sensation slowly spreading across the bottom of my shirt, and ya know once you start you cant stop, so I pretty much stripped away all hope for that shirt ever being white again, not to mention cover myself in my own piss throughout the process. Yeh so the run back to the car was a damp one, Randy almost choked on his tongue laughing, I hope no one important reads this post, but I jus feel everyone else should know that I pissed myself. kthxbye. R.I.P. shirt.
18 rly? ya.
Well first, second, and third of all, I’m 18 so expect a sharp revenue increase for porno, lotto tickets, and low quality hotel rooms! An ample reception was held at my grammas, complete with a coconut cake shaped like a shitting dog, a clown, and a birthday strangle from Pinky. Brosef and Hoesafe paid their respects to me by having me waken up, and lured into the front room, before me stood a 50″ Plasma TV screen. My first thought was females, but both the E, and the A have traveled outside the confines of Cali and are doin their own non-community college thing…Whatev. Anyway, before I could come up with thought #2, a god damn nurse and a god damn fairy popped outta that box like fuckin Jack. A happy birthday indeed.
San Mateo County Fair jus came through this great town, Pinky & I made it a point to sneak in every night and rob the community of the 18 dollars a night they would have gained on a nightly basis. Fuck street upkeep. Pretty much every night we went, I ended up totally forfeiting any financial gain I would have made by emptying my wallet on 8 dollar mutant turkey hunks and orange fuckin juliuss that still taste like liquid orgasm. Basically for the week and a half it was in town, the fair drew me in every night religiously, every night the contingency plan for entry and possible escape got more and more intricate and not once did we have run-ins with the local carney watchdogs. 6’4″ stealth ninjas FTW. The rides were comparable to feces but we still haggled our way on them despite our lack of tickets or frugality (look that one up), the gravatron for instance relocated my bowels up into my esophagus as shown here. There were goats. There was PISS, and it was enjoyed in the name of Hoesafe.
Pirates of Suburbia
What’s better than pirates and a chilly keg eh? Yarrrr. Well this girl in the middle here hosted herself a full on amusement park-esque pirate theme party, complete with authentic pirate firearms, blades & plastic red cups. FTW. As usual, I rolled with the brosef Ian, but on top of that, big fuckin Randy the most thuggish, bossiest, hyphy train conductor of them all came through like a fuckin lightning shit storm from hell and sweat out hyphy juice from every pore on his manly body. And let me tell ya…he shook dem dreads alright, hard enough to look like “IT” from the Adams Family. The booty was up to pARRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Now, normally I rock out with my cock out for theme parties and come adorned in whatever the evening warrants, but on this eve, I felt that some mardi gras beads and a ass rag on my head would suffice. And it did.
This gal rocked my site on her arm, I wanted to bite it off and save it. Usually, I would say that the phrase “get a room” is overused, and a tad cliche, but in the instance of these two I’d say they need a room of a large accomodations.
Joe took a shot of god knows what, piss and vinegar maybe? Anyway, he cried like a bitch and died. The end.
During the latter part of the festivities I felt compelled to super lift miss Ryder into the night ago, not once but TWO TIMES!
Batman Returns
After recieving some serious R&R up in Tahoe with this girl, this caped crusader broke out the ‘ol $50 dollar, once worn, already ripping batman costume and barely picked up Joe (and apparently damn near cried in the process.) Our destination was Geoff’s place for the dress starting with a “B” party, which was elbow to elbow, boob to boob with scantily clad womens. There was a bumble bee who couldn’t resist my honey. I cracked open a brewski with my buddy ‘ol pal, meanwhile Christa’s in the kitchen failing miserably at trying to suckle away at the sweet coors light nectar. I ushered some youngins out the door with my massive meat stick. ENZYTE FTW! There was also a lil munchkin who thought he could jus slip in the festivities unannounced and stealthily. WRONG! Threw his ass out, and then Christa & Amanda jacked his license plate, the munchkin was less than pleased. Cops came later after maximum occupancy was reached and exceeded. All in all…good times. Big ups Geoffrey.
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Matt Malchow. If Matt Malchow were a president, he’d be Babeberham Lincoln, if he were a dinosaur…Babe-o-saraus-Rex. I love this kid more than showers! He’s my boy for all times! I wanna have his and his towels with this kid. Anywhoo I have had the pleasure of kickin it at his pad the past few nights, spending time with these characters, and getting better acquainted with the infamous Labern and of course, plenty of Malchow. Ian’s homo erotic encounter of the night included frenching Matts solar plexus in a drunken homo stupor, it was such a release for Ian that he konked out right there on the floor, Malchow was so traumatized he took a shit on the coffee table.
The night proceeding, the same crew + new additions gathered around the table and spoke boisterous drunken fables, it’s not exact but I can aproximate that at least 47 thousand cigarettes were smoked during that 30 minute span sitting around that table, and as I type this now, feeling the second-hand tar stick to my lungs like day-old oatmeal, it was worth it cause I was with my buddy Malchow.
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I’ve been doing some behind the scenes upgrades to the site as you may have noticed, like the Possibly Related Post feature which, at the end of every post, shows 3 similar posts that you might be into. I enabled Gravatars that show up as little pictures next to your COMMENTS that you should always be leaving. I also implemented a skin switching system that allows you to change NBHQ.NET’s look and feel with jus a single click. Expect more upgrades and posts daily.