Cultural Learnings of New Zealand for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of USA
I spent the greater (perhaps the greatest) part of July and August in windy Wellington, New Zealand shacking up with my squeeze (she’s 6 feet tall). Now it’s becoming more and more a rarity for me to venture out of my hometown much less my state, much much less my country. Needless to say I was somewhat unprepared for the 15+- hour lapse of time spent on 3 different planes each way with 3 different shitty chicken or fish dishes and 3 different shitty catalogs of shitty movies. Shit.
I suppose the payoff was well worth it.
So anyway, I write this for the curious worldly types who wish to get a gander at that which is New Zealand and learn of its Kiwi culture.
1. There are a fuck-ton of sheep. I haven’t spent much time around these creatures, aside from the domesticated types. These lil flufflers tend to be rather annoyingly evasive.
2. Playgrounds are fucking monumental in New Zealand. Get a fucking gander at this slide!
3. They have weird/awesome cars. Like Supras, like RX-7‘s and oh so many skylines….. Seemed to me like every other car rocks a fat ass intercooler and vroom pshs after
4. Kiwi’s like to drink / hit the piss.
5. Behold the renowned “Kiwi Big Breakfast“ – tried it twice, safe to say I’m definitely not yet down with the Kiwi interpretation of the breakfast sausage but I suppose I’m not as big a sausage connaisseur as some other people i know…
7. Kiwi birds, the feathered, flightless symbol of New Zealand lays the largest eggs comparable to their body size. Once juiced and strained the resulting product is quite bitter yet deliciously refreshing.
8. Blessed with the power of retard strength, even the sturdiest of Wellington’s embankments were no match for my American ass.
9. Order an ice coffee – receive this : what I perceive to be a mocha with 2 scoops vanilla ice cream plopped in. Fantastic.
10. Minus 5 Ice Bar – I’m into 2 drink minimums and spending 25 minutes in a -27 degree room comprised of nothing but teh ice. Ice formed from nothing but the natural artesian springs of New Zealand herself. Slap it on your checkout list.
11. What does not belong?
Fourteen Months In Retrospect
For some more than a years time I have neglected my own duties as autobiographer extraordinaire, glorifying the life of a procrastinator, succumbing to the draw of dereliction. And so an absent life chapter sudden spilled, drips down to my fingertips and pools here on this blessed domain of interweb greatness. The poster will post on, my waistline silhouette will continue to appear lumplike on the pocketside with the camera snug, I will still pick up every human and domesticated animal within my vicinity, I will most definitely continue to take, and upload about one photo too many, and the sentences will run on. Run on sentence… Run on…
In hopes of sparing my scarce readers any further I will divert now from words of ramble to favorite pics of many. (From May ’07 to last week)
And look forward to the next one… I give my word itll be in less than 14 months.
Misty Mountain Hop
The bro Eebs lumbered over to my pad and scooped me into his grand jeep vehicle with hungry with an apetite for the outdoors. We cruised 4-wheeled skyline till we spotted a trail that seemed to present an ample challenge and proceeded to conquer it for the next 2 hours or so. Advice: Do not attempt to wear sandles while attempting to hike. Over the course of our adventure Matty and I came across the guy that does the Geico commercials, den I picked em up and Matty rubbed his belly, felt kinda like a wet fat kid might. So like I said, around two hours; against the elements, and at their mercy all the way my cold and exposed toes would have surely detached and regroup in my throat in a strangle attempt had they the chance. But you know me, I keep my appendages in check. Anyway, manly pictures were takin, us with our walking sticks (not visible due to shrinkage affect). My final words on that matter with Matty: twas a good time that beckons a sequel that will be posted and photographed. G’times Matty Boy.
I spend my weekends with dudes. That’s my story lately, I think I might play that gay card except when it comes down to the cooking and my skills or lack thereof , that and the boobs and da heiny. I also enjoy singing.
Heres a picture of Josef after his cocaine snort, it might have been powdered sugar though, we’re looking into it, either way his puny balls could not handle the sensation. Ian spilled V-juice on the chair cushion, and you can probably guess what happend next…Joe lapped it up like a kitty and her lil milk saucer, cept less cute and more alcoholicy. Joe makes funny faces after he sips on his potent oil as apparent here and meow. I tend to look more like this.
We are the responcible lads and take to the streets as opposed to vehicular transportation, nor do we operate heavy machinery, cept for our penises, which are unbelieveably large and heavy. Joe got stuck under an overpass kinda like a retarded mosquito catcher who finds his way into your bathroom while your taking a shower and than melts on your ceiling.
Ey, ey resemblance? compare dis, with dis.
Joe pissed outside McDonalds, and I laughed accordingly. Then a mysterious woman in a truck came and stuck it in the arse of Joe causing a little bit of hurl to climb up my esophagus, no biggy. The night ended back at my pad with some old times NES Action and some
Pussy Fights
– NEW TOURETTES GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– Juggernaut Video : CLASSIC
– Kind of a crappy double guitar solo
– EmoBlogs
– Bass Solo
– Simply Tickling
Summer Wind
It’s been a buncha hot days since I’ve my back fat has stuck to the sticky black leather of my executive night sky black office chair and poked away at my keyboard. Ten of these blazing days I spent learning how to water-ski, admiring geese, and pickin up hotties in the beautiful Lake Tahoe. This is my second time out there, first time was with eebs. This time definately had its perks, gettin to wake up to my girl on the norm, lettin the sun scar my corneas out of dreamland, I am my own biological timepiece, the corona, my alarm clock. Speakin of that lil relentless yellow blistering ball of heat, I, being of honkey decent, living in a body plagued by freckles, moles, and various other types of dermatological wonders, I am what you would call “prone to sun damage.” Being, 6,500 feet closer to the sun than in good ol San Mateo, might also be a contributing factor to why my skin pigment illuminates to a glowing shade of red, we can expect a full peel any day now. So a lotta days were spent out on the lake on my noble aquatic steed, the baddest of the bad wave runner galloping to speeds over 50 mph guaranteed to disturb the tranquility of my fine feathered friends…
I tried tubing a couple times, and promptly came to the conclusion that it was not intended for the male gender or any other halfway-gender with protrusive components, lotta slapping of the goods goin on… Julia did it like a G and made me ashamed of my testicles and assorted manhood. That girl is a crazy ass driver on that jet ski too, hurled my ass off it the first time we went on it, betcha wish I took a pic of that shit eh? Too damn bad Jack. This is a 14 ft long anaconda snake skin, I will answer no questions on the matter. This is McKenna burying my foot alive, and here’s a rare sighting of a bunny in twilight. Spent some days with volleyball superstar Katie Hurley, she’s a pussy. She’s 5’10, we shot the shit about living as giants among the dwarfs, she really wanted to make sure I put this picture online and I respect the wishes of my freakishly tall sister. She tried tubing and held on the whole time, and managed to stay afloat. Kudos. 
I ask you now, my undying legion of dedicated fans and followers : have any of you heard of a “Junebug”? Insectile, ball of hiss, teeth, talons, with wings about the size of Cahill, bigass fucker. One of those bugs that you can hear before you see god damn helicopter. Anyway, I spent this year’s 4th of July over there, peeped some superior works of fire, along with this fine flame thanks to Drew and his irresistable lumberjack skills we ate the obligatory yearly meal of hotty dogs, ribs, chicks, corn, steaks, the best eats I’ve had in a damn while. Big ups to chefs for that. So as the eve wore on, and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air subsided, we treated into my 10-day home and watched in amazement as my ladies momma bust out her samurai sword and warn that she’d cut a bitch if the need beckoned. 
A buncha days were spent on the boat, I liked the boat, took neat pictures on the boat, and Katie sucks ass at trying to get on the boat. We went on a hike, saw a fat black spider on the hike, I also saw and tasted snow, and ya better believe I dint hesitate to slide down that ish along with Julia’s cousin Lucas who bears a STRIKE resemblence to the kid from that christmas movie. All and all it really was the best damn vacation I’ve had in a long while, pickin up hotties, so havin a hot girlfriend is pretty much the best times, even if I hafta help her groom herself
So since I’ve been back home, sweating my balls off, I have been the victim, yet again, of a malicious assault on my hallway. The culprits at large chalked the entire entryway, everywhere, and than had the nerve to leave their French calling card. Damn hooligans.
Had a few people over the other night, Pinky and me thunk up the idea to stuff a buncha modified Piccolo Petes ( fireworks ) inside this here computer, but than got sidetracked and ended up in the pool with Emily, and the lord of the rings, Ash’ms. At first I had those beezies right where I wanted em…The tables quickly turned, and I was swiftly kicked in the wall, she didn’t waste any time latchin onto my hand with her sharpass grill, check out my Emily bite, brutal eh? What Emily DIDN’T know was that I am quite skilled in the art of croc handling and went straight for her powerful mandible was wearin her like a glove. 
Than Bobs, Brandan, and Caitlin swung by. Ash put her painting on pause to braid Bran’s long ass hair, while Emily painted Bobs’ face. Than they both did me, reminded me of my time spent in juvy…Anyway, we looked awesome, and Brandon looked pretty bitchin himself with his newfound braids. So a couple hours later, when the fellas went to leave, the car wouldnt start, tried to jumpstart the thing with no avail, as if Brandon knew what the ass he was doin anyway. The Bobs sprung Colin a ring and within minutes, he had em runnin T-H-E fuckin END.
From now on I wont take so long to post, All Apologies. Check out the views gallery if your into breathtaking scenery and eye-opening sunsets.
– Bruce Lee Training Video
– Make Your Own Comic Strip
– Crates and Barrels
– Suction Head Man
– Typewriter Artist
– Scariest Dog Ever