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Mantastic Bromance Turns Violent at the Russian River : That Time I Got Punched in the Face

October 13, 2009 2 comments Article Trips

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I should preface this  post with some insight as to where it was that we went for a half a weekend.  Guernville, California, a place where urinal spacing etiquette is ignored, men may freely compliment one another on their choice of pants, and threesomes always imply the presence of six testicles.  Party on.

It was with cheery morale and ample carbonated cargo that our 3-car convoy traversed the Northern California landscape with Guernville our grand destination.  Rolling six men deep and not a damn female in sight our only road stops were to speedily ingest beef and cheese a la in-n-out burger and swordfight in the bathroom, always being careful not to cross streams and consequently rupture space and time.  We also talked about football.  We love sports and suchlike.  Mostly swordplay though.

The bromance intensified once we unpacked at the loveshack / cabin and busted out the brewskis and the guitars.  Adequately swooned and sweaty the six of us tightened our chastity belts and made for the Rainbow Cattle a longstanding town landmark.  Denim was in short supply and was stretched thin over the undoubtedly shaven and very athletic thighs of the Cattle’s fine patrons.  Feeling staunch drinking long island iced teas out of mason jars through pink straws, we swooped on the pool table so all six of us could get to furiously chalking the tips of our cues.  What I will consciously omit from this post is the vast medley of drinks we ordered.  I shall let my reporting of the subsequent follys convey our collective mindstate.  Simply put, gay bar #1 was fucking lovey dovey, aside from denim Dan sexual assaulting Barry with hard stares all night.

Bad Decision # 1 : Leaving Rainbow Cattle

Two bars later we were at the bull pen, the neutral orientation destination.  Round after round of drinks had left our 6 man wolfpack divided and I found myself wolfless and free from social inhibitions as well as critical thought.

Bad Decision #2 : Striking up a conversation with the most hoodrat looking motherfucker in the room.

This is the part of my story that gets a little hazy and is therefore composed mainly from secondhand sources.  It may have been my persistence, maybe the fact that my ability to enunciate was quickly diminishing but it was probably because he thought I was shittalking his bumfuck city of origin.  I had asked my newfound acquaintance where it is he now resides and what brings him to the foreskin of California.  He assured me of his roots in the SF Bay Area and that he was  from Pittsburgh.  For some reason this little bit of geography had me baffled.

Bad Deciscion #3 – “Fuckkkk Pittsburgh man, thats in Pennsylvania”

Sonofabitch clocks me right in the mug.  Totally unannounced.  No haduken, no nothing.  Now despite having a nose seemingly modeled after a ski slope, I assure you it’s pretty much glass.  Pinky could blast a thunder fart in the next room over and it would probably get my nose bleedin.  And this asshole punched me  twice as hard as Pinky’s fart hits.  I don’t hit people in the face.  It’s jus not my thing.  Call it forbearance.  I totally had my booze shield paired with my retard strength anyway so thats like +10 strength + 9 defence.  My initial responce kinda went like this :

My 2nd responce was:

Bad Decision #4 – Leaving the bar to look for the guy, alone.  Finding him…not alone.

I like to think that I drew inspiration for this act from our commander in chief and I was, like Obama, engaging in direct diplomacy with leaders / douschebags from god fucking awful parts of the world.

My first contact / peace offering with this misguided manbrute was an outstretched hand and a “hey man whats youre name?” compressed into an indiscriminate single syllable noise.  Again, I must have offended this guy with my incoherent mumbling cause he started throwin hammers again.  I was then forced to immediately prepare myself for battle, whilst he immediately prepared himself for butthole.

I can’t properly get into the details of the scuffle cause I feel like I was hardly there for it but I will liken it to a cartoon fight wherein the fighters are entangled in a vortex-like cloud riddled with jagged lines and exclamation points.  I can thank Pinky and this Frankenstein looking motherfucker for coming to help clean up my mess.

Two arrests, one cold cab ride, and eleven hours of sleep later I woke up lookin like Don Corleone on one side of my face.  The hurt was all over, I was thankful to Joe for chewing up banana and giving it to me to re-eat.  Good guy.  Mantastic.

Acknowledgements :

Thanks Barry for driving us and doing the dishes.  Thank you Cahill for giving me a joy filled ride and taking me out in the Miata.  Thanks Joe for being my nighttime lap dog.  Ian, for being one passionate and angsty manbear.  Thank you Pinky for having a strong right-hand.  And thank you Pittsburgh, CA for being the putrid armpit of the East Bay, breeding ground for classless pieces of shit, limpdick tall-tee wearing shit smears.

Obama-Rama

October 26, 2008 1 comment Article General

I was gonna go be all fair and just by giving the skinny on all the candidates even the smaller lesser funded cats like this good lookin fella, (Bob Barr Libertarian), Nader, and the other not- caring-to-mention-ables…  But I figure with 9 days left in the election and the Nader leading the “third parties” with… I can’t even find a poll site that includes Nader or the lessers in the percentage breakdown, but as it stands :

Barack Obama ( Democrat ) 

Let me preface THIS post by saying that even though I have somewhat of a personal relationship with Senator Obama and we’ve chilled on at least a single occasion I will not let that fact bias my post.  kthx.

Can’t do anything at home with $12 billion a month on Iraq. (Feb 2008)

$10 billion a month spent in Iraq should be spent in the US. (Jul 2008)

While politicians may have an affinity for truth stretching as well as outright lying, numbers are completely objective : The U.S. national debt is north of $10 TRILLION dollars, while Iraq is seeing a surplus of $79 billion dollars.  Givin these figures I don’t think my personal opinion is even warranted.  Although I will say that so long as there are U.S. troops stationed in Iraq I think they should have access to sufficient gear / supplies that will maximize their survival.

Opposes CA Prop. 8, one-man-one-woman marriage. (Jul 2008)

While I personally see this to be more of a non-issue then a matter of ultimate concern I feel its important to note Obama’s stance on this in contrast to McCain.  Do the YES dance.

Do not lower drinking age from 21 to 18. (Sep 2007)

Agreed.

 

Understand why youngsters want to use drugs. (Aug 1996)

Ease of acquisition, peer encouragement, perpetuation in films, TV, and music, mans affinity to do what he ought not to, and  “nothin else to do mannnn.”  

 

 

FactCheck: Yes, Obama endorsed Illinois handgun ban. (Apr 2008)

Ban semi-automatics, and more possession restrictions. (Jul 1998)

 

As I stated in my previous post, I am not a gun owner / shooter.  It’s easy for an opponent of guns to say that there is no “need” for semi-automatic weapons in the sport of hunting and they could be considered major overkill for personal security.  The argument of course is the tired “but where do you draw the line” argument.  Gun grabbing N.R.A nuts would reason that if the government can take my semi automatic assault rifle, whats stoppin them from takin my handgun.  The hypothetical repercussion is then a surge of unregistered guns being acquired via illegitimate means, and whatever intent you could have possibly had for curbing gun violence is blown away.

 

GovWatch: “Worked his way thru college” meant 2 summer jobs. (Jul 2008)

omgnowayzme2!!!

A Twenty-Nothing’s Impression of the ’08 Presidential Elections : McCain

October 20, 2008 0 comments Article General

I suppose I should preface this post by saying that I’m not the kind of person you’d see trying to sway political opinions via bumper stickers and lawn stakes but I feel like it would be useful to state some facts and lace some opinion in there too.  Now my philosophy has always been the less you know about something, the less you speak, and the more you listen, but I think if I upheld this method of thought I’d be far quieter person.  The facts I will be analyzing come from OnTheIssues.org.  The opinions will be coming from me, a twenty year old over thinking, underachieving individual, who accredits life experience + interweb as being the primary pillars of my socialization.   Growing up as a “free agent” in regards to religion I do my best to form ideas and beliefs based on rationalization and logic rather than guidance from the divine.  I think the most effective way to present this information as the writer and for you the reader, is to break it up and do one post per candidate.  Startin it off with some McChicken.

 

John McCain (Republican)

 

Overturn Roe v. Wade, but keep incest & rape exceptions. (Jan 2000)

Wants Roe vs. Wade made irrelevant, but would not repeal it. (Aug 1999)

Voted NO on $100M to reduce teen pregnancy by education & contraceptives. (Mar 2005)

I fundamentally oppose McCain’s stance on abortion.  I think that teaching the virtues of safe sex and basic, even advanced sexual education is the best deterrent for reducing abortion rates.  Thanks to the glorious invention of the intarweb, kidlets everywhere are easily exposed to a seemingly infinite number of pornographic sites.  I’d say its the duty and responsibility of adults, whether that means parents, teachers, or … either of those to brief the kids on this stuff before they board the bangbus and steal coat hangers.

 

 

Voted NO on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)

Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)

I agree with McCain, aside from that guy from that model show I think gays should absolutely have the right to get hitched. I understand the religious objection to this stems from the biblical chapter entitled “Leviticus ” which prohibits “lying with mankind with womankind.”  My aim is not to argue the interpretation of sacred scripture so I’ll leave this alone and let you ponder this and its validity as an objection to practice that affects American gays of every religion.  

I disagree with not adding sexual orientation to the definition of hate crimes.  I challenge McCain to explain his reasoning for that vote to the parents of Matthew Shepherd.  

Sit down with any leader, but only with pre-conditions. (Sep 2008)

Throughout the debates McCain / Palin aggressively criticized Obama’s diplomatic policy and aside from accusing him of “palling around with terrorists” and pointing out the absurdity of meeting with leaders of sketch ass nations; i.e. Iran, Cuba, North Korea and some other one I forgot.  MY interpretation of these aforementioned “pre-conditions” is that McCain / Palin would send out  guys to do the talking for him, and these scout ants would be met by scout ants of the other country.  To me, this is the equivalent of playing telephone, far too much room for astronomical fuckups.  “Good afternoon it’s a pleasure meeting with you” could easily fuzz into “death to Israel!”  Can’t be havin dat shit.

 

Guns are a problem, but so are violent web sites & videos. (Aug 1999)

Voted NO on background checks at gun shows. (May 1999)

Voted YES on loosening license & background checks at gun shows. (May 1999)

Voted YES on maintaining current law: guns sold without trigger locks. (Jul 1998)

I have no doubts that the amount of grotesqueness of violence has exponentially increased since lil boy Johnny Mac was flippin channels on his tube but I refuse to believe that on their own, violent video games and websites are ingredients to a violent person.  Not being a gun owner, shooter, shopper I can’t say I know procedure / obstacles in purchasing a gun.  But as a concerned citizen and human bean blessed with sanity I’m gonna have to play the wtf card on this.  Guns don’t kill people, sketchy dudes who buy them at gun shows kill people. 

 

Close Guantanamo Bay prison; announce no-torture policy. (Apr 2007)

For it.

Bring our troops home with victory and with honor. (Oct 2008)

In the mean time :

 

Cultural Learnings of New Zealand for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of USA

September 27, 2008 1 comment Article Trips

I spent the greater (perhaps the greatest) part of July and August in windy Wellington, New Zealand  shacking up with my squeeze (she’s 6 feet tall).  Now it’s becoming more and more a rarity for me to venture out of my hometown much less my state, much much less my country.  Needless to say I was somewhat unprepared for the 15+- hour lapse of time spent on 3 different planes each way with 3 different shitty chicken or fish dishes and 3 different shitty catalogs of shitty movies.  Shit.

I suppose the payoff was well worth it.  

So anyway, I write this for the curious worldly types who wish to get a gander at that which is New Zealand and learn of its Kiwi culture.  

1. There are a fuck-ton of sheep.  I haven’t spent much time around these creatures, aside from the domesticated types.  These lil flufflers tend to be rather annoyingly evasive.

2. Playgrounds are fucking monumental in New Zealand.  Get a fucking gander at this slide!  

3. They have weird/awesome cars.  Like Supras, like RX-7‘s and oh so many skylines…..  Seemed to me like every other car rocks a fat ass intercooler and vroom pshs after 

4. Kiwi’s like to drink / hit the piss.  

5. Behold the renowned “Kiwi Big Breakfast“ – tried it twice, safe to say I’m definitely not yet down with the Kiwi interpretation of the breakfast sausage but I suppose I’m not as big a sausage connaisseur as some other people i know…

6. Birds kick it indoors.

7. Kiwi birds, the feathered, flightless symbol of New Zealand lays the largest eggs comparable to their body size.  Once juiced and strained the resulting product is quite bitter yet deliciously refreshing.

8. Blessed with the power of retard strength, even the sturdiest of Wellington’s embankments were no match for my American ass. 

9. Order an ice coffee – receive this : what I perceive to be a mocha with 2 scoops vanilla ice cream plopped in.  Fantastic.  

10. Minus 5 Ice Bar – I’m into 2 drink minimums and spending 25 minutes in a -27 degree room comprised of nothing but teh ice.  Ice formed from nothing but the natural artesian springs of New Zealand herself.  Slap it on your checkout list.

11. What does not belong?

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