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Mantastic Bromance Turns Violent at the Russian River : That Time I Got Punched in the Face


I should preface this  post with some insight as to where it was that we went for a half a weekend.  Guernville, California, a place where urinal spacing etiquette is ignored, men may freely compliment one another on their choice of pants, and threesomes always imply the presence of six testicles.  Party on.

It was with cheery morale and ample carbonated cargo that our 3-car convoy traversed the Northern California landscape with Guernville our grand destination.  Rolling six men deep and not a damn female in sight our only road stops were to speedily ingest beef and cheese a la in-n-out burger and swordfight in the bathroom, always being careful not to cross streams and consequently rupture space and time.  We also talked about football.  We love sports and suchlike.  Mostly swordplay though.

The bromance intensified once we unpacked at the loveshack / cabin and busted out the brewskis and the guitars.  Adequately swooned and sweaty the six of us tightened our chastity belts and made for the Rainbow Cattle a longstanding town landmark.  Denim was in short supply and was stretched thin over the undoubtedly shaven and very athletic thighs of the Cattle’s fine patrons.  Feeling staunch drinking long island iced teas out of mason jars through pink straws, we swooped on the pool table so all six of us could get to furiously chalking the tips of our cues.  What I will consciously omit from this post is the vast medley of drinks we ordered.  I shall let my reporting of the subsequent follys convey our collective mindstate.  Simply put, gay bar #1 was fucking lovey dovey, aside from denim Dan sexual assaulting Barry with hard stares all night.

Bad Decision # 1 : Leaving Rainbow Cattle

Two bars later we were at the bull pen, the neutral orientation destination.  Round after round of drinks had left our 6 man wolfpack divided and I found myself wolfless and free from social inhibitions as well as critical thought.

Bad Decision #2 : Striking up a conversation with the most hoodrat looking motherfucker in the room.

This is the part of my story that gets a little hazy and is therefore composed mainly from secondhand sources.  It may have been my persistence, maybe the fact that my ability to enunciate was quickly diminishing but it was probably because he thought I was shittalking his bumfuck city of origin.  I had asked my newfound acquaintance where it is he now resides and what brings him to the foreskin of California.  He assured me of his roots in the SF Bay Area and that he was  from Pittsburgh.  For some reason this little bit of geography had me baffled.

Bad Deciscion #3 – “Fuckkkk Pittsburgh man, thats in Pennsylvania”

Sonofabitch clocks me right in the mug.  Totally unannounced.  No haduken, no nothing.  Now despite having a nose seemingly modeled after a ski slope, I assure you it’s pretty much glass.  Pinky could blast a thunder fart in the next room over and it would probably get my nose bleedin.  And this asshole punched me  twice as hard as Pinky’s fart hits.  I don’t hit people in the face.  It’s jus not my thing.  Call it forbearance.  I totally had my booze shield paired with my retard strength anyway so thats like +10 strength + 9 defence.  My initial responce kinda went like this :

My 2nd responce was:

Bad Decision #4 – Leaving the bar to look for the guy, alone.  Finding him…not alone.

I like to think that I drew inspiration for this act from our commander in chief and I was, like Obama, engaging in direct diplomacy with leaders / douschebags from god fucking awful parts of the world.

My first contact / peace offering with this misguided manbrute was an outstretched hand and a “hey man whats youre name?” compressed into an indiscriminate single syllable noise.  Again, I must have offended this guy with my incoherent mumbling cause he started throwin hammers again.  I was then forced to immediately prepare myself for battle, whilst he immediately prepared himself for butthole.

I can’t properly get into the details of the scuffle cause I feel like I was hardly there for it but I will liken it to a cartoon fight wherein the fighters are entangled in a vortex-like cloud riddled with jagged lines and exclamation points.  I can thank Pinky and this Frankenstein looking motherfucker for coming to help clean up my mess.

Two arrests, one cold cab ride, and eleven hours of sleep later I woke up lookin like Don Corleone on one side of my face.  The hurt was all over, I was thankful to Joe for chewing up banana and giving it to me to re-eat.  Good guy.  Mantastic.

Acknowledgements :

Thanks Barry for driving us and doing the dishes.  Thank you Cahill for giving me a joy filled ride and taking me out in the Miata.  Thanks Joe for being my nighttime lap dog.  Ian, for being one passionate and angsty manbear.  Thank you Pinky for having a strong right-hand.  And thank you Pittsburgh, CA for being the putrid armpit of the East Bay, breeding ground for classless pieces of shit, limpdick tall-tee wearing shit smears.

Six Five Ohhhhh Thats Livin

So the other day Randy picked me up from squaragon, and we went cruisin cause it was sucha grand day outside, and pretty shitty inside. We saw our far shares of views, drove across the bridge, chill speed ahead, the water at our side, and if you don’t believe me, heres another shot. Seems like a lotta cats my age are gettin bored with this great city / town we call San Mateo, for all those felines, I would suggest that you get out and go see something like this, or something like this, and trust me, it looks tight. Rollin around in Randys regal onna clear blue Tuesday is a hellova day, and aint that jus right that we finish it up with some delicious fine mexican cuisine from nachos?

The week is a week thats been pretty damn killer, haven’t gone home after school inna while, spittin tapioca pearls at squirrels with Pinky, ( with no intent of harming helpless creatures ). Splittin my fingers open pluckin his rusty guitar strings, eatin all his dads tasty pastries, while listening to his dehumidifier type out a message. It’s the house he lives in man, its the memories, the fact hes gotta move, its the facts the wondering if I’ve got somethin to prove. Oh did I mention I’ve been writing again? At this epidemic of a pace, did I mention, I’ve been spilling again and its because of your curvy face? Call it a revival, a new muse, call it what you will, the only thing, the everything that I know is that I have a lot to spill. I got more pages of words than I really know what to do with, once I come close to being down I might start postin some up here but for now I expect you all to hang at the edge of your seatss. I’ve been listening to a lot of different stuff lately so that might kinda impact my style, for the most part its all Atmosphere and The Beatles, and some Satan-worshipping death metal that Kizz hooked me up with. So I guess I have a writing style its sorta dark angry and timeless :D.

My rooms “a big shittin mess” as my momma would say, haven’t been home to clean it, which is clean in itself. I wanna change my room around, fake people out so they think it’s bigger than it is, maybe take down some of these posters that I’ve had on my wall since middle school. It’d be nice to change a lotta stuff boot this house, I don’t like having a fat guy live upstairs, hearing the damn ceiling buckle every time he migrates to the crapper is something a little disconcerning. All I can do is retaliate with a cute little woofer and some beat to my bass..

So its February now, January was a pretty good month for NBHQ, about 15,000 different people visiting, a little over a million hits and about 70 gigs of data served and received which is a real assload. I was checkin out the stats, lookin at what words and phrases people type into search engines when NBHQ.NET is returned and heres what I came up with:

free animals xxx
free xxx stocking picks
animals fuckin xxx
why female barn owls wingspan bigger male barn owls wingspan
animal fuckers
grunge hats
spiderman tribal pics
i need to buy a house for me and my dogs
san mateo and brady
funny video bear and treadmill
mare s urine in lipstick
lush burger
funny gross shit
phobia of peanut butter sticking to the ruff of your mouth
fat girls in party hats
shit house babes
some very very very scary girls and boys

Now thats some crazy shit, and you guys, whoever is typin this stuff in…you some weird guys and gals thats all I gotta stay… 😛 Now im flippin exhausted, and I need to go hit my shower as hard as I can and dry off thouroughly afterward 😉 Oh by the way, last month posts, along with all the other posts every made can be found here, that is all..

Coolest Jump Ever
Little Machine Sculpture Things
Penguins are soo cool
You never know when you might need…
Best Honda Ever
Video Game Wallpapers

What More Can I Say?

This day is far from a day, in fact it might be a night in disguise
They say the world is still turning but its hard to see with lovestung eyes
Step after step through this infinite heavy
Sharpening every thought, while trying to keep steady
Moonlit tales and starlit pearls,
The familiar dream with the golden curls
The song has yet to change though this verse is new
The meaning is full, the words are few
Drown in this pain, paddle with your heart
If theres no need to end, why restart?
Surrender to this love and fight the fight, live to redeem
It’s the skys that are weeping, for they have lost their queen
The clouds are starting to sink, we can’t be saved now
Time is the cure my dear, and she begs to know how
Whats more is gone, whats less is the feeling
What more can I say?

Hopefully my verses can be a consolation for my lack of posting as of late, sorry fellas and ladies, I’ll be gettin on my eyes soon, (lemme stretch first). Anyway one reason why I haven’t posted (among so many more important things) was because my elderly keyboard was all outta wack from being dropped too many times *COUGHRANDYCOUGH* so the [ ENTER ], [ BACKSPACE ], [ LEFT ], and [ 1 ] keys were all not working so I jus picked up a new one today. Along with shellin out twenty bucks for a very regular keyboard, I went runnin with Randy in Foster City. Probably the best one I’ve ever done, we ran a buncha miles, along the water, under the San Mateo bridge, through the thick soup fog, with my best friend Randy. Its a hell of a thing to know someone since preschool and to be runnin alongside him twelve short years later. It’s a hell of a thing.

New Years Eve Party at Matt’s was good times, lotsa heads showed up, probably peaked at about 30 or so, and I was deeemd bouncer, although I didnt really bounce too many people. Beer bongs were used spontaneous hugs were issued the formal dress code was followed. Was good times though, those guys from Serra (all dude school) were good people, this chic is cool too, too bad she got super blasted and required me carryin her outside to “water the bushes”, and when I saw water, I mean..the act of regurgitation. This chic couldn’t stop calling more people over so *I threw her out on the street and told her there were rules in life…* So heres a pic of the host with the most Matty Ebert himself! And if your wondering how you can view ALL of the pics of that night, go ahead and crick here * That was total bullshit I made up *

Finals are near, and I was looking into something when my boy Curran sent me here, made me chuckle but than I went back to pretending I was looking into something. Finals suck.

So of course I have to say something about the Tsunami, I think it’s horrible and shouldnt be taken lightly, so thats pretty much all I’m gonna say, and I am amazed at the courage, tenacity and unity of the human race, check out this footage of a tidal wave comin towards a hotel, that must have been absolutely terrifying…Anyway click click here to donate money to the relief fund, I’ve put in 2 bucks at my school, every bit helps.

Keep on keepin on, I’ll be runnin, and we’ll be flyin again soon enough girl.

Spiderman Flash Movie (funny)
This guy performs all the sonic the hedgehog tunes
Quite a Shaming
Satellite Photos of the Tsunami
Car got snowed in
Make your own southpark dude
Pinky would love this
How to be Emo
Make your own southpark dude

A Fashion Forward New Years Eve 2009


Being the epitome of fucking fashion that I am, I decided to drastically up my level of chic to celebrate the eve of the new year in powerful style, and pushed the idea to the bro calvary to “follow suit”.  (eh?)  

And so, decked in our jacket/slacks combo we assembled at Mike’s spot for a meat eating good time or in Ally’s case, tasty veggie borger!  I did well to gain acquaintanceship with Sir Slug, the resident pug of the Klink pad.  I invite you to share the lol that I feel from looking at this wondrous image – here, we see the slug pug locked in epic gaze with Laura in what can only be described as rofflefull.  

The night wore on and the grains of 2008’s sand slipped away, we all did well to drain bottles of Fat Tire and I made more sausages disappear than a homosexual who has homosexual intercourse.  (noonprop8).  

A few more Fat Tires later I was getting awfully friendly with hoesafe, much like he was having a good go at my knee some months prior.  

After we were all sufficiently loaded up on animal bits and the average twenty-year olds  idea of premium booze we responsibly piled into the respective cars of sober drivers.  Reassembling at Courtney’s pad and evidently, ROLLIN’ FUCKIN DEEP SON.  

By this time, (11:00pm maybe?)  I was a bit passed standard sauciness and quickly approaching high school drunk.  If you’re wondering what this can look like on my face, allow me to present you with the following photo evidence : Exhibit A, Exhibit B, & Exhibit C

As many can atest to I am not a violent dude, nor am I typically overly confrontational and even when I’ve been hittin the medicine hard I like to think I do alright to not be “that guy.”  What I’m getting at is I pick people up.  Always.  All the time.  Always. Kelsey, who looks to be drinking what can only be green bean juice, I picked her up.  Jenny, picked her up twice, possibly relocating a hair or two of hers onto Courtney’s kitchen ceiling.  As for my lovely ass girlfriend…well, this aint that kinda website.  This, I had nothing to fucking do with.  

Cute-as-a-button girls are not the only potential prey, hoesafe got some manlove from yours truly too.  He didn’t like that.  Not.  One. Bit.  And the rest of the night he hid.  

Happy New Year – here’s the rest of the pics.

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